Birth trauma and journeying, healing through regression exploring: Conception | Haunted Womb Syndrome | IVF | Induction | Pain Relief | Jaundice | Twin Miscarriage and Perinatal Death through to Post-Natal Depression.
I am a professional and very experienced Clinical hypnotherapist, psychotherapist, spiritual counsellor and life coach . The new fields of pre and perinatal psychology have become my passion. Our conception, birth journey and particularly birth delivery can deeply affect our feelings and beliefs about ourselves. It will affect our behaviour throughout childhood and into adult hood. Through my own personal journeying I have learned so much. I have explored all of the elements of recovery from the various types of birth trauma and conception experiences. I have also attended conscious embodiment training where one experiences through bodywork and regression ones own birth journey which was so insightful. In this way I have completed full healing work for both myself and my son. (See story below)
I am now also able to offer physical body consciousness exploration and healing through connecting with the body’s innate communication system. Memory gets stored and stuck both in the muscles and fascia (which is the communication system). Therefore, giving time and space for the physicality to reveal it’s trauma and release said energy physically, can really make a huge difference to the client.
Please also be aware that I am now able to offer The Safe and Sound protocol which was originally developed for children with Autism but now used to regulate a child’s or adult’s Autonomic (Fight, flight, freeze) nervous system following birth or delivery trauma. See here for more details
Therefore, if you can say yes to any of the below then this work is definitely be for you!
Have you always felt: anxious, in the wrong body, that you don’t fit and are not good enough, are the wrong sex or have behaviours or outbursts that don’t feel as though they are yours?
If you would like help with any form of conception issue or effects of birth trauma (including postnatal depression)please feel free to contact [email protected]. Or you can call 07817217085. Click here for costs.
My story
- Conception and choice
- Haunted womb syndrome inc IVF
- 3rd trimester
- Induction
- Hidden perils of pain relief
- Non delivery of Placenta
- The guilt of no overwhelming feeling of love
- Jaundice and Incubators
- The good news and hope
- The twin miscarriage
- Perinatal death
- The learning
Neither my son nor I, knew that we were suffering from both haunted womb syndrome and birth trauma.
I have had 7 children in 5 years!
Only one survived and he is now 31.
This is our traumatic story
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Conception and choice
In order to have a baby and after 3 ‘missed abortions’ I had treatment at St Marys Hospital. A missed or spontaneous abortion is “an asymptomatic or ‘missed’ death of the embryo or foetus”. There are insufficient uterine contractions to push out the products of conception. This occurs before 20 weeks.
This innovative treatment flooded my system with my husband’s white blood cells. This was in order to counteract the natural rejection of his material that my body was previously CHOOSING to do. I was either pregnant or in the process of the conception phase when I received this treatment. Why this is important will become clear later.
Later we shall see how, this treatment, allowed the pregnancy to run to fruition. However, the price was that it totally took away the right to choose from the baby and my body. Freewill is a gift given by God to all. It is my belief that the egg, even before conception, has freewill. She has the freewill to mature and present for fertilisation or NOT. Like consensual sex she can say no continuing process even after birth.
Every egg inside every woman is from her Mothers DNA and hers before her etc. This goes all the way back to first woman that without any religious connotation we shall call Eve. Therefore, it is conscious in the same way that every cell within you in conscious, intelligent and aware. Therefore, it has freewill.
10 days before possible conception 2 eggs present in the fallopian tubes for fertilisation. Previously we believed that the fastest swimming or the most vital sperm forcibly penetrated the egg. In nature a bird for example chooses her mate. He performs a mating ritual that may include a dance or show of strength. 2 ‘shortlisted’ sperm that have made it to the fallopian tubes swim around the egg for a number of days. They perform a dance, or courtship if you like until she is open to receive one of the sperm.
The most important thing to understand is that the egg that chooses at her own timing. She to open her protective sheath. Like consensual sex, she invites the chosen sperm in… or not. It is completely the choice of the egg!
It has become clear that the treatment that I received felt like a gang rape for the egg. The treatment removed the eggs protective sheath and exposed it to a flood of male energy. A flood of my husbands biological material overwhelmed the egg. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I was already in the conception process . The choice whether or not to accept any sperm at that time for fertilisation was removed from the egg.
This helps to explain the fundamental issues for my son. In his practical life the feeling of powerlessness and lack of control that my son experiences for no apparent reason. This has resulted in feelings of not being who he feels he should really be. Every egg starts of female. But the environment she existed in was flooded with overwhelmingly ‘male’ energy at conception. He thus now realises that he had no choice in being male!
IVF
It is important to think about the consequences of this around all versions of IVF too. In IVF a sperm that has not been selected by the egg is forced into the egg. This would obviously not be a sperm selected by the egg. Also against it’s own will, it’s protective sheath will be removed then forcibly penetrated. Again to the egg this may feel like a rape. The withdrawal of the needle leaves a trace as it is removed. It is most like an energetic scar! Also the mate has been selected by another human being. This may not be the gender that the egg was destined or preferred to be.
A mothers’ thoughts and feelings cascade as hormones and peptides through her body and also become the child’s. Therefore, exactly what a parent think and feel about the pregnancy is heard and felt by their baby. Am I wanted or unwanted? This may colour how that person may feel for the rest of their lives. Although I was overjoyed by the news of my pregnancy, I was also shocked that it had happened do quickly. This led to my failure to bond with the pregnancy for fear of losing the baby again. Therefore, after this traumatic start for the baby ‘he’ was left cold, alone and seemingly unacknowledged in my womb. I believe this also then allowed the ‘souls’ of the 3 previous pregnancies to merge with the embryo.
Haunted Womb Syndrome
What I have discovered is that because I did not ‘give birth’. I had DNC 3 times to remove the contents of the womb under general anaesthetic. I never properly miscarried the first 3 pregnancies. Thus, the spirits are held in a limbo state. Subconsciously I am still pregnant. Now inadvertently ‘holding’ the souls attached to me spiritually and energetically. BUT there is no longer physical material left.
I believe that the remaining Souls sense another pregnancy . They then adjoin with that new Soul in order to get born They become like a friendly spirit attachment. It is necessary to be consciously or energetically present at a ‘delivery’ of some kind. For there to be a recognised end point. Then these Souls would have been released. Or if I had had grieved for the losses, they could have passed naturally.
For my son, he now has 4 ‘personalities ‘vying for a say in the body. I believe that this allows confusion, indecisiveness and unexplained, rage. This is usually aimed at the Mother who held them in situ. they manifest through the new souls body. Have you ever experienced an outburst of rage whilst a part of you is questioning what you are doing? Does the ‘other’ want something different? Perhaps feeling that you are not in control of your own thoughts, feelings or behaviour?
Sadly, after birth the living main Soul has no idea that his brothers and sisters are there. No idea that they are affecting him or her in anyway. My son and I acknowledged this reality. I named the ‘children’ we sent them to the light to begin their own journeys. It was so freeing for both of us. Together we asked them for forgiveness. I told them how much I loved them. I asked 2 Angels to escort them safely across to the Spirit world. My son reported feeling much lighter and freer.
Later a client mentioned that she felt she had a brother. Although she had only sisters she would constantly refer to her brother Peter. This continued until a boy she knew called her stupid. He knew she only had sisters. Her mother told her to stop telling people that and she did. On further inquiry, she did discover that her mother had miscarried before her. Did this child know that she had a spirit attachment? Does this also explain other children’s insistance that they have ‘imaginary friends?
Further insight
Later I realised that I too was being affected by 2 miscarriages that My mother had before me. Once I had acknowledged, named and loved them, I then sent them towards the light. I have had many unexplainable outbursts of pure hatred towards my own Mother through the years. I now see partly at least, that this was my 2 brothers screaming out for recognition. They needed release by her.
Sadly my mother doesn’t believe in these things. So I explained the situation to them and asked their forgiveness for her. Afterall does it matter how long a child survives? If they make physicality or not, they live , if to be alive is to be conscious. Thus their passing should be honoured. This should be in the same way that one would do for a child that did live
3rd Trimester
Now apart from never daring to bond with the baby whilst pregnant in my 3rd trimester 3 important things happened. I believe these also affected my son. This was 1991 and the Gulf war had just begun. There were only 5 channels then. Death and killing was on almost every channel in the daytime. Unfortunately I had the TV on constantly and would be snoozing (in trance really) through it.
All of that negative programming of fear, death and disaster would be going straight into my subconscious mind. It would be affecting me and therefore my son, on a deeply emotional level. War is obviously also very male energy, fear inducing and shock inducing.
Then my Grandad had to have an emergency triple bypass operation and nearly died. And finally, my Dad left my Mother after 29 years of marriage out of the blue. The common thread of these things are: male energy is dangerous, life threatening and men are untrustworthy. There may also be a fear of bad things happening out of the blue. This leaves you feeling continuously anxious all of the time.
Now, also think how this might affect the psyche of a male baby that originally wanted to be female. It would be impossible for that baby to not associate itself with those things. It could leave it feeling wrong, bad or untrustworthy. This would indeed become his fundamental belief about himself as a man and as a person! Unexplained anxiety would also be a continuous problem for that child. A belief that the world is a scary and dangerous place may ensue!
Birth trauma…..
Induction
Everything in your body, in nature and the cosmos is run by clocks. Timing in the Universe is indeed EVERYTHING.
With Astrology or Numerology, the exact day and time of your birth determines your traits. It continues to influence your thoughts, feelings, characteristics and behaviours throughout your life. Therefore, when an induction takes place all natural choice is removed. The predetermined intent of the Souls life lessons may be thrown out of balance.
Consequently. that Soul is in a body without the opportunities or qualities that it needs to complete its predestined purpose. One may have been due to be a home loving Cancerian. Delivered a day late one may end up as Leo the fierce Lion. Hopefully you can see my point. This may lead to a child/adult feeling that they don’t fit. They may feel unlucky, useless, aimless, rushed, out of time or simply just lost and confused.
At 38 weeks my son just stopped feeding and growing. He had already decided that he didn’t want to be here. He feels like he shouldn’t have been born and that the miscarriage treatment ‘forced’ him into life. Not knowing any of this I followed the Doctors instructions to be induced. This happened the following day.
Now its important to understand that induction drugs appear to slow time for the mother. However, they greatly speed up time for the baby. The birth process starts suddenly and out of the blue. This alone can make a baby out of sync with the birth and mother. Suddenly and again against his natural timing my sons birth journey was artificially and forcefully started. This was not the will of the baby. Thus the baby is already powerless and shocked. One may thus develop trust issues. They may never feel safe and stable. It is as if one can potentially be removed from ones home at any time and against ones will.
Consequences
My son in this process discovered that he is now deliberately slow and late everywhere. This is almost in defiance of this original overcoming of his own will. He is subconsciously trying to continuously reverse this outrage.
At the end of my mother’s pregnancy, I was nearly forcibly induced as I was 2 weeks overdue. The Doctors of the day would not allow anyone to be more than 2 weeks overdue. As my mum went in to be induced her labour started naturally. I was thankfully saved an induction birth trauma . I am now always early everywhere because I am programmed with ‘being late is unacceptable’.
Interestingly, the significance and vital importance of my exact birth is not lost on me either. Numerologically speaking, my birth date number is 33 (highest vibration possible). I am termed the global parent (responsible for everyone) . This is certainly how I feel I am and what I was destined to be!
The hidden perils of pain relief
Now remember that I had already had one dose of induction drugs. I remember when the first contractions starting. I was almost confused, foggy minded and as if I was playing catch up with events. Induction drugs slow time for the mother. Once my waters had broken my labour was really fast. I was given both Pethidine and Gas and Air. So, for ease we could now say I have had 3 different and strong types of drugs.
I used to tell everyone afterwards “that gas and air was good stuff. I was totally high as a kite” and laugh. However, now I realise the problems this has caused for both my son and I. I would advise any mother to be to take as little pain relief as possible. Pain is there for a reason. Pain keeps you present, focused and in sync with what the baby is experiencing.
I don’t remember anything about the birth! I was totally unconnected emotionally to the baby throughout pregnancy and now I was totally absent emotionally to the birth. It’s interesting to note that when I remember this experience I view it from the corner ceiling in the room. I am not in the body view which I think says it all!
To make matters worse my husband was ‘in and out’ as such. He was either sleeping, outside smoking or making phone calls during the labour and after the birth. I know that my son was aware of this energetically. Men leave, like my 3rd trimester experiences repeating! My husband wasn’t very present emotionally either unfortunately. He treated the whole thing like a big joke which I am sure didn’t help my son. At this point this would have felt like life and death!
Non delivery of the Placenta
The next issue that caused birth trauma was that the Placenta was not delivered with the baby. It would have to be manually delivered within the next 30 minutes. If not it would be life threatening to the me. My son was briefly shown to me then whipped away. He was placed in a cot on the other side of the room. I can still see his little head turning and searching for me through the glass.
Now remember I am now on my 4th dose of pain relief. This is to deliver the Placenta and I was really not connected to reality. There is a lot of rush, noise, lights and fear going on. My son was experiencing this alone and separated from his mother.
The 2 fears that a baby is born with are fear of falling and fear of loud noises. My son is super sensitive even now to loud noises. He may have felt very fearful that there soon may be no one to feed and protect him. This leads to a turning on of the fight or flight system without the means to turn it off. This would lead to a continuously stressed physical and mental system for that baby throughout life. Aniety and depression may ensue.
Obviously, my son and I have done a lot of work together to heal and reframe all of these experiences. He is benefitting greatly by the understanding that these things are not him. He can now see that they do not have to colour the rest of his life.
To some degree he was also watching an invasive procedure on his mother. A rape. The placenta removal may also have keyed back to his own experiences as the egg in fertilisation mode.
The guilt of feeling no overwhelming love
The nurses then placed this baby that I do not remember giving birth to on my breast. My initial reaction was cold, emotionless and detached. This led to long to held guilt and self-recrimination. I could not experience the overwhelming feeling of love that the media says should happen. This led me to question what’s wrong with me? I concluded wrongly that there was something wrong with me. That I was a monster of some kind! Now however, I understand that I was so numb. In truth, I was simply detached because of the huge amounts of drugs that I had been given. Later I drew the whole birth experience. I never ended up drawing myself actually with the baby at any point. This is how I stumbled upon the perils of pain relief. This led me to the complete ignorance of the effect of birth trauma on us both!
Pain keeps you PRESENT, FOCUSED and CONNECTED!
Jaundice and incubators
But the birth trauma story isn’t over yet . The Doctors whisked my son away for phototherapy in a light box. My son was born severely jaundiced at birth. Jaundice is caused by the build-up of bilirubin in the blood. Bilirubin is a yellow substance produced when red blood cells, which carry oxygen around the body, are broken down.
Jaundice is a condition the liver. Psychosomatically, and according to Misa Hopkins “a toxic liver represents a person’s fundamental fear of life itself. A person with a toxic or diseased liver is probably questioning whether they want to be alive.”
My son’s liver wasn’t toxic per say. However, any problem with the same organ offers the same underlying theme.
Remember my sons assertion that he didn’t feel like he should ever have been born? Lack of choice is actually powerlessness which is anger. This was how the whole of my delving into birth trauma started. I realised he was born jaundiced and therefore angry (which is actually powerlessness) and not wanting to be here!
Unfortunately, my son was in the phototherapy box for a good few days alone. Despite the light, he was in the dark. Gauze pad continuosly covered his eyes. I was present physically but still emotionally absent. Deep in my mind I had yet to give birth and therefore this baby can’t be mine??? Yet here I am having to look after ‘it’.
I felt no bond, connection or warmth towards him personally. On a responsibility level I would do my duty. I only recently realised that this was the reason why. My misconception was that I simply was a bad mother who is unable to show love! I met all his needs in every way accept the most important way. It had taken 20 years to discover that I was severely postnatally depressed.
Thus I reverted to my old behaviour of ‘just getting on with it ‘. It was easy to ignore my own emotional needs.. I did not want to be weak, a failure or a bad mother, I suffered in silence! I suppressed and repressed any questions, doubts and confusion over whose baby this was? In this moment too though I lost my old self. I had become a mother without seemingly giving birth, so where had the old happy pregnant ‘me’ gone? It has taken me 30 years to fully reclaim her!
The good news and hope
Thankfully through hypnotherapy, EMDR and talking therapy my son and I have cleared so much of this birth trauma. I am encouraging him to celebrate and express his more female type energies. This includes his great emotional sensitivity and intelligence. It is imperative to now make sure that I always offer choice. That I do not tell him what to do as a mother might. My problems had inadvertently affected my son negatively. Healing these have improved our relationship.
I have asked and he has forgiven me. He has forgiven me for an action done from love. But in ignorance of the effects . Ignorance of the long-term consequences for both him and I. The miscarriage treatment was never to hurt him, force him into a male body or into life at all. If I had known that that would be a possible outcome, I would have preferred to stay childless.
I am eternally grateful that he is here and have successfully reconnected with him on all levels. He is my best friend and mentor in fact and together we have learned so much through this experience. But one can only do the best one can do with the knowledge and experience one has at the time. Forgiveness of every element of the birth trauma story, for all involved is vital to heal.
The Twin Miscarriage
One year later I had a miscarriage whilst on a train. At a scan to see if all the material had cleared the womb, they discovered a beating heart. Therefore, the pregnancy must have been twins, vanishing twin syndrome. This is quite common and affects between 10 and 40 percent of multiple pregnancies.
The most important factor here is that within a week or 2 of that scan the second baby died. This time I went through a full and very painful natural delivery of the baby. This is in fact the first time that I was present at a birth because of the pain relief given. Although this was again birth trauma , at least I was part of my own experience. It was important to name both these children of mine. I have grieved for them and again sent them to the light to begin their own journeys. I also asked their forgiveness and forgave myself so that we could all be free.
Perinatal death
My final experience was a perinatal death. Deaths of a foetus of at least 20 weeks are called perinatal deaths. Aso the death of a live born baby within 28 completed days of birth. My son lived for one hour after birth. he had been born by caesarean section at 29 weeks. My waters had broken at 22 weeks and I had spent the rest of the time in hospital on bedrest. Therefore, I never got to see him alive because of the operation. I had not connected to the baby in the womb for fear of loss. Plus I was already struggling with my first son and postnatal depression. So I didn’t actually really want another baby at this time.
My husband gave permission to turn the machines off. The baby’s prognosis was extremely poor and he died before I could hold him. Again, I was not present with my son. Missing whilst he experienced a terrifying birth trauma and death. Thus, I did not grieve and ‘just got on with it’. A big mistake-again! I held subconscious guilt and self-blame. I believed I was a monster because I couldn’t feel the loss as such. This just added to my struggles with postnatal depression.
My husband and I never talked about any of the miscarriages or the death of our second son. Unfortunately, this ultimately led to our breaking up and subsequent divorce less than a year later.
The learning
So the reason that I have bared my soul in this way is to give others out there hope. Hope that even all these years later that the mistakes and misconceptions can still be cleared and healed. Through Clinical Hypnotherapy and other modalities healing is possible. This is why I am now passionate about all man and women overcoming their own conception/birth trauma. Or that experienced as Mothers and Fathers.
We have to change the wrong perception people have that an egg is not conscious from the start. To teach that foetus, embryos and babies are awake and aware of their own conception and or birth trauma. One can simply put oneself in the position of a baby and imagine what they must be experiencing. Be this physically, mentally or spiritually. This is a potentially violent process and has long term effects on any baby, child or adult. Consequently, It is therefore imperative to clear such trauma.
So if you would like any help with conception through to birth trauma into adulthood trauma contact me at [email protected]/ 07817217085